Well, as you can all see I am properly blowing off June. WHY? Because I am "temping" IN AN OFFICE and therefore unable to write, unable to take class....UNABLE. My shoulders are creeping up on me due to sitting at a desk all day mainly bc the desktop is the wrong height for my chair/body. Oh Joy!
That said, I will be able to pay my rent this month and that's a very good thing. I am not complaining about that one bit! I am very grateful, in fact.
In general I love that there are so many ways to find work in this city... & I am thankful that I have the luck to get these opportunities -- having these little side gigs are what Dance & The City is all about when you are a freelancer... juggling rent money, dance money, training. Nevertheless if any of you wonder why I am improving at A SNAIL's PACE -- well, taking 1 class a week -- then 7 times a week, then again back to 1 time a week -- then 0 times a week -- may have something to do with it. I have to just accept that my path is 'a winding'....and as it were, it is unlikely to ever straighten out.
It's a process. That's what I tell myself. But really? Are you kidding me with this? Luckily, I've got a child's energy level... but nonetheless, it can be trying of my patience, so I've got to do the best I can do to stay motivated.
Frankly, I miss performing... that is, afterall -- my "thing". I am not a classroom dancer -- and unless I can get the training I've truly been begging for, it's unlikely that I will ever be that girl who just looks amazing in class alone. Performing is why I moved to NY and it was my primary -- meaning ONLY job -- for a good few years before I was injured & depressed. This is why I take class in the first place...! This is why I am in NY and not say, Hawaii! NEWSFLASH: this is not a hobby for me! Yet, sometimes I feel as if I'll never see a stage again. Getting injured and taking so long away has essentialy made me feel like an amatuer all over again. And I never considered how difficult it would be to come back to get technical training at a serious level.... I never realised the "barrier" to that.
Of course people are always trying to tell me how good I'd be at other things: "you should be a chef" "you should be an architect" "you should be a teacher" "you should be ...!" And truth is, I have done nearly everything you can think of in effort to get back to my original choice. I mean if a doctor has to take time away from medical practice, no one tells him to give up medicine, right? Truly, they are saying these things to me to be helpful and encouraging -- and since it's been so long, & they haven't seen me perform, it's only natural. But really...????
I'm over it.
Does anyone out there feel the same?
So I've been doing the best I can, plugging along at this career that TRULY won't for the love of god, leave me alone.....and what has helped me lately is some of the really great motivational tools that my fellow dancers share. Just yesterday I watched this wonderful video (below) thanks to my first interviewee, Daniil Simkin. (btw, see our interview here) Now Daniil is certainly having no issue finding his way to the stage, but obviously he can use all the motivation he can get too! Afterall he has to PERFORM --and audience expectations can be equally as harrowing. Getting a great job as a dancer is no magic bullet, because well, your challenges will still be with you, regardless.
At any rate, recently Daniil shared the link below on FBook, where famed writer of "Eat, Pray, Love" speaks of her need to let go of the idea that it is "her genius" or "her self" responsible for her success; rather, she likens her success to the idea that a sort of genius spirit visits you and works WITH you to succeed. She likens it to a sort of elf, such as Doby in Harry Potter. She claims that the only way she can get past the incredible burden of her success and past the idea that she has already creatd her best work, is to seek the intercession of her "genius spirit" and, she insists, we can do the same.
And so today I am going to try to let go of my worry that at the rate I'm going I'll never see a stage again --that I've already had my 15 minutes... and that trying to get back to performing is ridiculous! That I'll never be able to increase my technical skills, find a coach that believes in me, afford pointe shoes -- or rent or class.....
Does that feel better or what?
Anyhoo -- check out the wonderful video below!
XOXO --
Madame B.
PS. for even more inspiration go check out JOSE MANUEL CARRENO's FINAL PERFORMANCE AT THE MET TONIGHT! 730pm @ Lincoln Center! more info here
That said, I will be able to pay my rent this month and that's a very good thing. I am not complaining about that one bit! I am very grateful, in fact.
In general I love that there are so many ways to find work in this city... & I am thankful that I have the luck to get these opportunities -- having these little side gigs are what Dance & The City is all about when you are a freelancer... juggling rent money, dance money, training. Nevertheless if any of you wonder why I am improving at A SNAIL's PACE -- well, taking 1 class a week -- then 7 times a week, then again back to 1 time a week -- then 0 times a week -- may have something to do with it. I have to just accept that my path is 'a winding'....and as it were, it is unlikely to ever straighten out.
It's a process. That's what I tell myself. But really? Are you kidding me with this? Luckily, I've got a child's energy level... but nonetheless, it can be trying of my patience, so I've got to do the best I can do to stay motivated.
Frankly, I miss performing... that is, afterall -- my "thing". I am not a classroom dancer -- and unless I can get the training I've truly been begging for, it's unlikely that I will ever be that girl who just looks amazing in class alone. Performing is why I moved to NY and it was my primary -- meaning ONLY job -- for a good few years before I was injured & depressed. This is why I take class in the first place...! This is why I am in NY and not say, Hawaii! NEWSFLASH: this is not a hobby for me! Yet, sometimes I feel as if I'll never see a stage again. Getting injured and taking so long away has essentialy made me feel like an amatuer all over again. And I never considered how difficult it would be to come back to get technical training at a serious level.... I never realised the "barrier" to that.
Of course people are always trying to tell me how good I'd be at other things: "you should be a chef" "you should be an architect" "you should be a teacher" "you should be ...!" And truth is, I have done nearly everything you can think of in effort to get back to my original choice. I mean if a doctor has to take time away from medical practice, no one tells him to give up medicine, right? Truly, they are saying these things to me to be helpful and encouraging -- and since it's been so long, & they haven't seen me perform, it's only natural. But really...????
I'm over it.
Does anyone out there feel the same?
So I've been doing the best I can, plugging along at this career that TRULY won't for the love of god, leave me alone.....and what has helped me lately is some of the really great motivational tools that my fellow dancers share. Just yesterday I watched this wonderful video (below) thanks to my first interviewee, Daniil Simkin. (btw, see our interview here) Now Daniil is certainly having no issue finding his way to the stage, but obviously he can use all the motivation he can get too! Afterall he has to PERFORM --and audience expectations can be equally as harrowing. Getting a great job as a dancer is no magic bullet, because well, your challenges will still be with you, regardless.
At any rate, recently Daniil shared the link below on FBook, where famed writer of "Eat, Pray, Love" speaks of her need to let go of the idea that it is "her genius" or "her self" responsible for her success; rather, she likens her success to the idea that a sort of genius spirit visits you and works WITH you to succeed. She likens it to a sort of elf, such as Doby in Harry Potter. She claims that the only way she can get past the incredible burden of her success and past the idea that she has already creatd her best work, is to seek the intercession of her "genius spirit" and, she insists, we can do the same.
And so today I am going to try to let go of my worry that at the rate I'm going I'll never see a stage again --that I've already had my 15 minutes... and that trying to get back to performing is ridiculous! That I'll never be able to increase my technical skills, find a coach that believes in me, afford pointe shoes -- or rent or class.....
Instead, I'm going to seek out the advice of my very own genius elf -- who I've affectionately named not Doby, but Dopey. In fact, I'm gonna give Dopey a swift kick to get him with the program:
Dear Dopey,
LISTEN UP! If I'm ever to perform again, I need the means, the $$$, the teacher and the TIME to get myself into performance readiness! Further, I'D LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE A DANCING JOB -- NOT AN OFFICE JOB, YA DOPE!
With Love, Truly,
Imani
Does that feel better or what?
Anyhoo -- check out the wonderful video below!
XOXO --
Madame B.
PS. for even more inspiration go check out JOSE MANUEL CARRENO's FINAL PERFORMANCE AT THE MET TONIGHT! 730pm @ Lincoln Center! more info here
I feel exactly the same...I'm really feeling down! I can't dance and I can't do anything else. Thanks for this post!
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous, I so empathise and know how you feel... sometimes its just a never ending battle it seems -- however, B.INSPIRED!
ReplyDeleteyou can always dance...and be joyful in that... so many people are unfortunate not to be able to dance AT ALL....so, just turn on the radio...and boogie down... many working in the field full time never have time to enjoy dance for its own sake. Dance as a career is quite grueling endeavor and requires more than love of movement --or talent. it requires grit, determination, the ability to work in a competitive atmosphere and stay happy and enthused, confidence, the ability to plan your life around the demands both physical and emotional. is entirely different from the joy of dancing...or from the fleeting moments we feel on the stage. Loving dance, being able to dance and working as a dancer are very differnt things.
Perhaps the delay is bc your genius knows you need to learn something more in order to be successful. Perhaps your genius is wanting you to develop experiences outside of dance in order to bring to your dancing...not being able to do anything else is different than not wanting to do anything else....Artists are communicators of life & ideals of life, so if your genius is pulling you away from art, then use it as a time to be educated on life.
explore what your genius has for you right now....and BE CHEERFUL even if deep down it really feels hopeless.... don't give into that feeling....I am convinced that the Genius Spirit of Dance is insulted by a trodden spirit -- we are a robust kind -- the genius needs enthusuiasm and joy & smiles bc that is the nature of dancing... how can dancing spirits hang out with you if you are not receptive to the cheerful nature of the dance?
seek intercession from your "genius" spirit -- give him/her a piece of your mind. lol. open up and just say what you feel, what you need. and in the meantime devote at least an hour a day to your side of things... DO ANYTHING to prepare your self and help your genius along. Luck is what happens when PREPARATION meets opportunity....and the preparation is not only physical... Stay enthused and love dance for its own sake and for the joy of it!
Merde!
Thanks for your words, I'm actually reading and re-reading your amazing comment, I'm going to learn it by heart!
ReplyDeleteThank you!!!! from the heart!
Cate.